Saturday 23rd April 2005
Saturday 30th April 2005

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Saturday 30th April 2005

Sunday 1st XI vs. Pinner

Report by: Adam Herron

We started poorly by only managing to turn up at Pinner with 9 men (Dave Baker being pinched the night before otherwise it would have been 8!!). Upon arrival we were greeted by the sight of the opposition all holding hands and running in a line. It is still not apparent to any of us what this was all about!!

A quick look out to the ground itself and we could see we'd need more than a bat to help wade through the thick grass that would have been more at home in the wilds of Borneo. The skipper explained that they tried to get the tractor on the long grass but the ground was too soft and so he only managed to get rid of a small amount of it. It was clear to me that the ground was indeed soft as I was sinking in it as we walked out to the middle of the square. "Well at least the pitch looks nice," said the oppo skipper and upon inspection I thought he was joking as it was the greenest shade of Green you had ever seen!! (He was dead serious by the way!!). The track was only slightly harder than the outfield and I knew it was going to be one of those days.

The toss was lost and we were put into bat and although I only had 9 men I felt that the top 5 were more than capable of posting a decent score. Before I go on to describe our innings I must bring your attention to what happened while we were getting padded up. Archer 'Elder Statesmen' Cornwall came in and insisted I come outside immediately. As I did he pointed to the tennis courts at the other end of the ground and I just managed to get the words out, "f*ck me!!" before my jaw hit the floor. A young couple were playing tennis but they were no ordinary couple. The bird was quite obviously an exhibitionist as she was playing in a tight t-shirt and a thong-like pair of athletic pants!! Needless to say I had all the lads out and Varley was straight into the action, wolf whistling and shouting out in his thick northern droll, "you alreet love?!". This would carry on for the remainder of our innings, the highlight of which was when the said young lady bent down and did her stretches in full view of the entire pavilion!!

Back to our innings, things started well with Ses 'the legend' Jayasena pushing the ball around nicely and Gavin 'Wayne 'Mardell getting singles. Things changed though when it became evident that the pitch was playing like it looked, awful, and with the ball stopping and popping rather than coming through, Ses chipped one up in the air and the Skipper was in.

Things were going slowly as the pitch was like a 12th man and when 'Wayne' tried to pick things up he too was caught, although it was more to do with shot selection than the pitch!! The score was about 40 odd for 2. Then the real controversy started. The skipper, who stood well outside his crease and got forward lost the ball as it skidded off the pitch and so the ball went through and flicked the top of his back leg pad and through to the keeper. Some one went up not even in a half hearted way, more like they were going to appeal but thought it better not too, and as the Skipper looked up he could see their umpire had his finger raised! What made it all the more hard to accept when being given out lbw when no one had appealed was the fact that their captain was heard saying, "what was that for?"!!

A few more wickets went when their umpire tried to get in on the action again by giving a stumping when the keeper clearly took the bails off before he had the ball in his hands!! Luckily, 'The Legend' was on hand at the other umpiring end and insisted that it wasn't out and wasn't about to let anyone tell him otherwise. In the end we limped to 93 all out and were quite embarrassed as the team we were playing were quite clearly 3 or 4 leagues below us and for want of a better word, village.

The teas however, were first class and Barnard and Varley had at least 3 helpings each! With little time to digest the marvellous teas we were on the field and with instructions to bowl properly Varley and Archer opened up and bowled their 8 overs each straight through. Archer was in superb form and ended up with figures of 2 for 10 off 8. Danny 'ginger whinger' Muschamp took 4 for 18 off 8 and bowled very well. 'The Legend' didn't take a wicket but bowled superbly to end up with 0 for 10 off 7. Dodds picked up 2 wickets and Dave 'Pro Performance' Baker also got a wicket caught and bowled.

As it was a 40 over match we won the game as they failed to get the runs and stumbled to 75 for 9.

Funny moments in the field were when 'Wayne' chased a ball to the boundary and got the ball back only to be asked had the ball crossed the line? "Of course it hadn't, why the f*ck do you think I sprinted all that way?!"

Upon seeing that 'Wayne' was wearing pro performance kit Alan 'Captain' Barnard asked, "why don't you give a pro performance?!"

And finally, in the middle of their innings a woman walked straight across the pitch, oblivious to what was going on, texting away without a care in the world. 'Captain' Barnard told her to, "go a little bit deeper, love" and "that's it now slightly straighter". Still oblivious someone said do u mind love we are trying to play cricket here, to which she replied, "it's only a game of f*cking cricket, who plays cricket on a Sunday anyway?!" to which Ciaran 'Fresh Air' Dodds quipped, "where's all your mates?"

So the fun and games have begun again and here's to much more merriment!!

Saturday 23rd April 2005

1st XI vs.

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