Saturday 27th July 2002
Saturday 20th July 2002
Saturday 13th July 2002
Saturday 6th July 2002

Any views expressed in these reports are the views of the author, and may not necessarily reflect the views of Edmonton Cricket Club, its committee or its members. If you find anything offensive or inaccurate in the content of these reports, or if you have any queries reagrding the reports, please contact us via email, stating the report you're referring to and the date so that we can take any action deemed necessary.

Saturday 27th July 2002

1st XI vs. West Harrow

Report by: Alan Barnard

After back-to-back wins against two of the stronger sides in division two of the Middlesex Championship, we were faced this Saturday just gone with the tough task of an away trip to second placed West Harrow. The game was made all the more difficult by the fact that two thirds of the team were pissed out of their minds, singing 'California Dreamin' led by T. Willett at the club bar-b-q at 2am the night before. A fixture away to a tough side like West Harrow is the last thing you need after a beery night like that (can you believe that Word has not highlighted Beery as a misspelt word?).

Arriving at the club on time, it was no real surprise that there were only a couple of players there - Ricko had a fairly quiet one the night before, as had Dodgy (probably recovering from something he caught off some bird). Amazingly, I was feeling OK at this stage, and this was probably just as well, as it seemed like I was the only person who was going to get the team to the ground on time. As usual Ses turned up 30 minutes late, much to the annoyance of the extremely hungover skipper.

After a short detour to Northwood to pick up the Dancing Indian - Venki, we made it to the ground with 15 minutes to spare. On winning the toss, Willett made the only decision he could have done in the circumstances, and decided to bat first. We started positively, but lost the early wickets of Ses who looked in good touch initially, and Dodgy, who was bowled by a stinker, that kept low, and caught him playing back with full justification to a ball that nearly too his ankles off. Simon Roche came in at 4, and looked positive, but was too honest (see later) when he walked for a catch that the fielders weren't 100% about, and the umpire wasn't going to give.

We were struggling at 40-3 when 12th Man Cab Driver Barratt came into bat with the on form Venki. Barratt had yet to show his class until this innings, but if ever there was a time for a good knock, this was it. They put on well over 100 for the 4th wicket with a glittering array of stokes, matched with some top-draw timing, and dogged patience. Between them, they made one of the best bowling attacks in the league look positively ordinary. Venki was the first to go, 8 runs short of what would have been his 4th hundred in 7 Saturday 1st team matches, although his 92 would have been worth 150 on our pitch. Barratt eased passed the 50 mark with a sublime late cut, a feature of his batting against the spinners.

This brought about something of a collapse, with the rest of the batsmen throwing away their wickets, or getting out to some lively deliveries. Rochie and Streety offered some solid resistance, Neil nearly getting cut in half by a f*cker of a delivery from their overseas player, who incidentally didn't know the names of any of his team-mates (hmmmm?). We managed in the end to post a total of 227 in 55, a decent enough score on a wicket that wasn't playing as badly as it looked, but still was doing enough to trouble even the most settled of batsmen.

Tea was an interesting affair, the opposition players for some bizarre reason were putting salt on their melon?! West Harrow had bowled their overs so slowly that they were only going to get about 40 back, and in this respect, they had shot themselves in the foot somewhat. They'd be a much better side if they learned that the best way to go about things is not to change the field every ball… I remember a Hanwell side of a few years back, who basically used 2 slow bowlers for the whole innings, and bowled 55 in about 2.5 hours, meaning that they'd get about the same back.

Anyway, we came out to field as fired up as is possible when you're nursing the hangover from hell. Matty 'Road Rage' Worton was slightly expensive from one end, but took one of the most bizarre wickets ever seen to dismiss the opener. Matty managed to get stung by a wasp in his delivery stride, causing him not to see anything of the caught behind that Barratt gratefully snapped up. In fact, when we all thought he was doing some kind of bizarre celebratory dance, he was actually trying to get the wasp out of his shirt. How we laughed! From this point on, Matty's bowling deteriorated, probably because he was more concerned with whether he was allergic to wasp stings or not. He was replaced by Rochie, and had not died after a few overs, so the answer was 'no'.

From the other end, Streety was a steady as ever, unlucky not to have caused more damage to the opposition with some deliveries that rose sharply off a length, but did not go to hand. Ricko was brought on, just as the game was starting to slip, and West Harrow were starting to look dangerous. He took two quick wickets, bowling an impeccable line and length, and turned the game on its head, swinging the balance back towards Edmonton. I have to mention Simon Roche at this stage - usually a solid fielder - who managed to let the night before get the better of him, and drop a couple of catches. They were sitters to be fair, and had I been skipper I would have fined him the price of a jug. In his defence though, he did hang onto a slightly harder chance in between, and did a comedy 'throw the ball down' celebration that rivalled Matty's 'Dance of the Wasp'.

Back to the game, and things were heading more our way, their runs had dried up, but the dangerman was still in, and past 50. Willett was brought onto bowl, and produced a wicket with almost his first ball. Matty came back and took the key wicket of their number 3, amid wild celebrations. Venki, who hung onto an excellent catch produced one of the best dances I've ever seen, and pretty soon, most of the team had joined in. As we piled on the pressure to the last few batsmen, we had a late scare, when their number 8 hit Rochie for 19 of an over to give them a faint chance, but once again, Matty dismissed the dangerman caught by the steady hands of Ricko at long-on.

Moving into the last over, they were 8 down with about 30 needed, so only we could win. Their skipper was facing some hostile stuff from Rochie, and gloved one behind to Barratt, who as ever snapped it up with ease. It was a clear enough chance, but the umpire wasn't impressed, and the batsman stood his ground claiming the ball had come off his arm. This was not the case, I'm not going to get into the details of it, suffice to say that the batsman knew full well what had gone on, and probably did the right thing by his team (with a youngster to come in and get knocked over by Rochie). However it certainly wasn't the right thing by us - we were f*cking furious, calling him all the manes under the sun, and asking how he can have the balls to stand there and bat on. At one stage, Scarlet decided to sit down at short cover he was so frustrated. He saw off the last few balls, and walked off without exchanging glances with any fielders.

All in all a good performance (especially Venki, Barratt and Ricko) spoilt slightly by the fact that their skipper didn't walk, and some unpleasant scenes with Willett and the unpire (albeit a misunderstanding) Tony made up with the umpire, and we took some consolation from the fact that we had take 4 more points than them from the fixture, and made things a whole lot tighter at the top of the table. Oh, and I didn't have to spend 68 quid on beer, which was also a bonus! Tune in next week for the Sudbury court fixture, which has added importance, now we're serious contenders. Oh, and lastly, All the leaves are brown….. Team: Willett, Venki (my hero), Ses, Dodgy, Teflon Roche, Barratt, Scarlet, N Roche, Ricko, Streety, Wasp-Man

2nd XI vs. West Harrow

Report by: Martin Loveday

The fixture was West Harrow at home. On the back of a winning draw against sri lankan cavaliers and a win against Southall, we were looking to tighten it up at the top and put some pressure on Pinner as we enter our last 5 weeks of the season. Kev managed to somehow lose the toss again and we were put into the field on a sweltering day post BBQ night. Everyone got fined for being late anyway and most unlike Loveday were hungover, (or was it the other way round? i forget). Loveday opened from the top end whilst Kev opened with some spin from the bottom. Loveday didnt reaqlly get going as he was over pitching on a dream of a wicket. Kev had the batsmen in trouble from the start with good flight and turn. Kev got a breakthrough as he got one of the batsmen stumped as he was beaten in the flight, and it was easily taken by Beeden behind the stumps. Loveday was relieved and Kev switched ends and bought Anil on at the bottom end to try and get some swing going. Kev got another wicket and we were starting to rally a bit. Anil then had one of there batsmen dropped behind the stumps before getting him in an identical way 2 overs later. Kev was bowling really well and had all the batsmen in trouble and even when ther skipper gloved the ball down the leg side and a lucky bounce on Tims foot enable him to catch the ball a verdict of not out and suprisingly the sportmanship of this particular person showed through as he failed to walk also. A couple of overs later a certain run out was denied and tempers started to fly as Loveday called the batsman and the umpire cheating wankers, it didnt go down well but id thought they would be well used to it by now. At this stage i must add that for once i am not referring to the team as a whole as they were a nice bunch of lads but i cant help but point out it only takes one to ruin a game. Kev remained tight and picked up wickets a regular intervals aswell as having a few dropped catches on the way including one from myself. Kirk our new debuntant came on up the hill and bowled very well causing the batsmen many problems. After we began to focus in the field and tighten up we found them struggling at 130 for 8 on a lovely flat track. Kev had picked up 6 wickets by now and Kirk had his first for the club as he clean bowled another to make it 144 for 9. A few hoicks from their final batsmen took the score to 169 before Kirk claimed the last and his third wicket LBW..

Tea was upon us and the CHEESE had a place reserved at the table due to ongoing trouble at not being able to get any tea. We had a plan of winning the game chasing what should be a relatively easy target of 170. Pat and Mardell opened the batting and i have to say it did not start well as Gav went for a duck after edging behind and walking before actually beinggiven ( a good sign of sportmanship even from someone struggling for form) leaving us 0 - 1. Next to go was Pat who miss timed a drive and was caught at mid off with the score at 2 - 2. Anil was 3 and the M.Bilson was 4. But unfortunately with the score on 12 Micky managed to drag the ball onto his stumps 12 - 3. Heinrich was at 5 and a bit of an unknown quantity but looked fairly comfortable with Anil as they started to score some runs and punish some bad balls. They managed to take the score to about 35 - 4 as Heinrich edged behind. Beeden was next in and looked at ease at joined Anil in stroking the ball around the ground for runs of all the bowlers. Anil started to excel and show his true class as the ball began to get dispatched for 6's and 4's. Anil raced to 50 then moved onto his 100 as Beeden supported him well playing some nice straight shots. We reached the 170 target with 18 overs remaining and 6 wickets and a lot of batting still in hand. Anil deserves a lot of praise for a top quality 111 not out and lets not forget Beeden who supported him and settled the ship and managed to record 46 not out batting very conservatively in comparisson to an on fire Anil.

Has to be said a convincing win although not without a few rocky spells as we at times lost concentration and let the game get away from us. But i think we managed to salvage some sort of self fulfillment mainly thanks to Anil and Captain fantastic himself as whenever we let it go added drive was added and a kick up the arse sufficed in making in 2 wins in 2. A vast improvement is needed against turnham green away next and some interesting selection problems as the 1st eleven seem to be short of a couple of players and the availability of others. Team: K.Lawrence, P.Carr, G.Mardell, A.Sharma, Heinrich, Kirk, C.Dodds, M.Varley, T.Beeden, M.Bilson, M.Loveday.

3rd XI vs.

Report by:

Saturday 20th July 2002

1st XI vs. Polytechnic

Report by: Alan Barnard

Coming off the back of an excellent win against Mill Hill Village, it was vitally important that we continued taking full points against the other sides challenging for the promotion place. After 2 wins out of their last three, Polytechnic fell squarely into that category, a side who on their day have a number of dangerous players capable of turning a game on it's head.

After winning the toss, skipper Willett made a good decision to field first on an excellent and very quick betting track. Polys openers looked positive against Quality Street and Road Rage, but with the score at around 50, a couple of quick wickets (including a spectacular one-handed caught and bowled from Streety) slowed the rate down. Tony Wills came on to bowl, and looked the quickest and most hostile I've seen him for a while, working out the opener with a succession of bouncers that he eventually dollied up for a caught (like Kenway) and bowled. He also too the key wicket of Chris O'Connell, who on his day (and on that track) could have been a real threat.

This brought their number 6 - Cornwall to the crease - a real dangerman, and he made his intentions clear by crashing Streety for four through the covers with the second ball he faced. The introduction of Barney and Ricko didn't do a lot to stem the flow of runs, as the game started to slip away from us. Some very indifferent fielding from most players didn't help things, and it was clear to see that Wills was absolutely livid. At tea, Poly had made 245 all out - probably about 40 more than they should have done, but on a very flat track, a gettable score if we batted to our potential.

Cometh the hour, cometh the man (or men I guess in this case!) as the phrase goes. Venki opened up with Ses, but when Jaya was dismissed early we were all fearing the worst as we've seen us collapse so many times before this season. Dodgy Dave, promoted to number 3 after his match-winning performance the previous weekend, underlined his intentions for the word go, stroking his first two balls for 4. What followed was one of the best partnerships I've seen in a while. Venki and Dave batted sensibly, but positively to steer the score past the 150 mark, and reduce the run rate to around 4.5 an over.

When Dave was dismissed for 61 - a classy knock - the game was almost over. A swift 20 from Captain Scarlet who looked good until his middle stump flew past the keeper, and then a quick 15 not out from Barratt was enough to see the game home. The real star of the show, however was Venki, who finished with a magnificent 134 not out, one of the best innings I've seen in a quite while (I know that I do tend to say that a lot about him, but it really was!). For the record, and sorry to sound like Statto, Venki is now averaging around 285 against Poly - they must be sick of the sight of him!

It would be fair to say that we all got pretty pissed-up after the game - especially with the news that the second XI had won at a canter against Southall. Writing this report the next day, I'm nursing quite a sore head, but it's so much easier to deal with after a win than a defeat. Special mention to our number 1 supporter Sybil Ruscoe for providing us with entertainment and chewy sweets throughout. We now have twice as many look-alikes as we did before, with the likes of Shrek, Virgil Tracy and Leslie Phillips coming onto the scene. All in all and excellent day for the club, and let's hope it gives us the springboard we need to finish in the promotion places.

I won't dwell on the Sunday result too much, as it was rather disappointing; suffice to say that a very strong Osterley side stuffed us out of sight. However, the post-game comedy was a sight to behold though, and even the opposition were highly amused. The sight of Danny Hare being chased over the outfield riding his bike and then getting his trainer mauled by a mad dog was a joy to behold. Also, the 8-man drunken keepy-up game on the balcony was superb, with Smythe, Virgil Tracy and Willett the most drunk. Special mention too to Cheesy Bilson, who stitched Ses Jayasena up a treat in the showers, but pouring about a litre of shampoo over his head, knackering his eyes in the process - Happy Days!

Saturday 13th July 2002

1st XI vs. Mill Hill Village

Report by: Chris Barnard

Tony won the toss & elected to bowl. From the start Edmonton were always in control with opening bowlers John Street & Matt Worton tying up both batsmen making it very difficult to score runs. Matt as always gave 100% & ended up with 2 wickets but special mention to John who ended up with excellent figures of 7 runs scored from his 10 overs. At tea John was heard to say "Sorry skip for not taking any wickets". 1st change bowler Neil bowled well (very pacy) without much luck until the stumps were scattered with a deserved wicket. Then Rico came on 2nd change & further frustrated the batsmen by bowling very accurately, again not conceeding many runs causing batsmen to take more chances to try to accelerate the score with the inevitable happening - 4 wickets fell to Rico & eventually Mill Hill Village were all out for 143 runs which did not seem to be enough on what looked like a fair wicket. All in all an superb performance from all concerned, probably the best fielding display so far this season with good controlled captaincy. Because Venke is usually behind the stumps, I never realised what a good fielder he is - great catch from him & also a smart diving catch by Adam to get the ball rolling with the 1st wicket.

The mood was confident at tea (as it should always be) but having been in this situation before, coming unstuck chasing a modest total, it was with cautious optimism that I reopened the scorebook & waited for the drama to unfold. A bad start with Barrett being adjudged LBW 2nd ball of the innings. Venke & Ezre steadied the situation with a few powerful shots to reduce the required run rate, but both out in quick sucession followed shortly by Adam so 4 wickets down & a long way to go. The run rate was not too much of a problem as it remained at around 3 an over. Then the crutial partnership of the inning between Simon & Dave - Simon playing safely & sensibly for 79 minutes & although not scoring many runs this was just what was required with Dave playing the shots & lowering the run rate. The fifth stand remained intact until about 30 runs short of the target when Simon departed. Tony then played some big boundary shots leaving Dave on strike to hit the winning runs, sadly this was not to be as the bowler, probably in desperation trying too hard, bowled an overhead no ball which went to the boundary & thus finished the match. Superb day - great result - the tea looked the best so far - & most impotantly 30 points to keep in touch with the promotion places. Superb day - great result - the tea looked the best so far - & most impotantly 30 points to keep in touch with the promotion places.

I nearly forgot to mention the most important part of my report - well done Dave Hinnighan - 67 Not Out - a great innings - how can he be nicknamed "dodgy" should be at least "Dynamic". Team: Tony Willett, John Street, Matt Worton, B. Vengatesh, Adam Bilimoria, Barratt Ghanji, Simon Roche, Neil Roche, Rico Lewis, Es Prinsloo, Dave Hinighan.

2nd XI vs. Sri Lankan Cavaliers

Report by: Martin Loveday

We welcomed the visit of Sri Lankan Cavalliers to our ground, with the sun shining and the wicket immaculate as ever they must have thought they were in the wrong place. Kev managed to lose the toss (again) and after deliberating with his colleagues they put us into bat. Kev and Pat opened and runs were not exactly flowing but a six from Pat helped up the score. As i say not a lot happened early doors until Pat was given out LBW for about 13. Anil went in no.3 but at drinks off 24 overs we had a poulty 50 on the board. Straight after tea though things started to take shape nicely as anil really started to take it to the opposition and kev was putting the bad balls away. Lots of running hard also and in the intense heat it was very hard work for the boys and the oppo must have been gutted at the control the boys exerted on them. Anil was next to go, bowled as he tried to come down the wicket a hit another straight drive but managed to miss the ball and was out for a well played 60. Kev was still there and he had also reached 50 at this point. Mickey was 4 and played some nice shots working the ball around but unfortunately was also bowled after missing a full toss. Beeden was 5 and looked at ease wearing his new contacts. One straight drive back over the bowlers head for 4 and was dismissed with a good catch at point after and cut went straight at him. Daz was in at 6 and took no time at all in dispatching the bowling for 4's and 6's but was given out LBW playing across the line for a quick fire 20. Kev was still there knocking the ball around and occasionally coming down the wicket to put the ball to the boundary through the covers. Mardell was the man at the other end and after a classic drive first ball tried to put the ball into the allotments but couldnt quite connect as he would have wanted but managed to see the innings out and hang around whilst Kev scored one of the best 100's i have seen. Even though he was not playing great and felt in bad touch he managed to bat out the 55 overs without giving a chance and controlled the runs brilliantly. A true skippers inning left us on 254 for 6 declared.

We went and had tea and young D.SMITH was informed that he would not umpiring their innings. In the 2nd over Pat got their left hander bowled and they were 11 for 1. In the next over Loveday took 3 wickets and they were now 15 for 4. A couple of overs passed and Pat got another as he was caught at first slip but felt the urge to stand his ground until he eventually made his way back to the pavillion making it 40 for 5 and the next wasnt far away as Pat bowled another making 55 for 6. It has to be said that it wasnt really down to good bowling but more like some really shit batting from cowboys who obviously thought that they were better than they actually were. 27 overs to 4 wickets required. With about 14 overs to go Daz bowled a nice delivery which popped up of the glove and was caught at first slip by Kev. Their skipper who was the batsmen proceeded to cheat like a bitch arse and stand his ground whilst the umpire couldnt make up his mind, after originally stating it came of his pad before saying not out as it came off his forearm, i guess thats an easy mistake to make you prick............. It was becoming clear why they did not want an umpire becuase they wanted to cheat and had it in their minds from the offset. These two bats were probably the worst i have seen all year playing and missing at everything and edging the ball everywhere. The skipper was threatening to go off the field as apparently its ok for him to cheat just so long as we dont call him a cheating w~nker. I would say to him if your big enough to cheat then be big enough to take the stick for it aswell you whinging tart. Doddsy managed to get a wicket with 4 overs to and Varley managed to get one aswell which meant that they were about 130 for 8. The youngsters bowled really well at the end managing to get the break through we needed but unfortunately we couldnt finish them off and they claimed a cheating draw all for the sack of 10 points. I cant believe that they had the cheek to try and shake hands after the game and hung around the clubhouse. Normally im the first to encourage some socialising but on this occasion i personally would have liked them to be shown the door right from the start. Not only did we provide them with a tea of adequate proportions and a changing room with showers that worked. We had to stomach them cheating and drinking our beer, as far as im corncerned this is custom our club could do without.

I wish them all the possible shit that they deserve for the future and cant wait to not play these tossers again after we win the league. Again i feel a massive amount of praise to the skipper who batted superbly for a well earned 100 and also tried everything within our means despite the cheating arseholes best attempts to win the game and everbody performed to some extent. Doods and Varley did a great job taking a wicket a ppiece when we were searching for something late on in the game. Mickey Bilson took a couple of good catches i dont remeber seeing a chance go down. All in all a good performance despite a dissapointing result. We have seen yet again what sort of league this is and cant wait to leave these teams in our wake as we have yet to play more than 2 teams who not only play the game fairly but also show some hospitality. Team: K.LAWRENCE, P.CARR, A.COOPER, M.VARLEY, C.DODDS, T.BEEDED, M.BILSON, A.SHARMA, D.SIVATHESEN, M.LOVEDAY, G.MARDELL.

Billericay Vets 6-a-Side Tournament

Report by: Ray Dodds

a real struggle for Colin Turner to get a team together, leavin with a team of six with no subs. six of Edmontons finest 45 plus players. Shep there in case anyone breaks down and cannot be resusitanted. Shep the only one who knows the way there- John Hinnigan to follow him in his four wheel drive- the only one in the country with a meter fitted. Head down the southend road Shep drivin at 28 miles per hour John screamin out the window to him that he has four more gears on his motor can he please us them get there seven hours later. Have to play Harlow first up they win the toss and knock up 77 in there 10 overs and mistakenly think they have a chance but thanks to unbeaten thirtys from Dominic Harte and John Hinnigan we cruse to victory in 7 overs. Have serious team talk Dominic usually plays for Kevin Lawrence tries to fine everyone for not lookin like real cricketers, for failin to field the ball probably and for not fightin with the opposition. All players agree we are tryin to win the tournament. ( its cheaper that way).

Play favourites Billericay next, bat first and score 105 off 10 overs with unbeaten 30s from Hinnigan and Harte and a good score from Macarthur. Billericay die on the back of some excellent bowlin and only reach 66 from 10 overs. Fittness beginnin to fail but have rest while other teams play each other. Make serious mistake off eatin out of date kit kats supplyed by John Kenway who feeds them to us while practicin cyber sex with his American girlfriend. John says he like cyber sex cause he last a lot longer than normal. We have taken D.Billson and C.Dodds to do all the runnin around and the umpirin. D.Billson promply falls asleep on two chairs for 3 hours. C.Dodds offers his advice on how to bat and bowl ( another Rhino in the makin we tryed to force feed him kit kats to make him look like him as well as sound like him).

Final game ( we have to win) against Craven Park, they bat score 79 against bowlers who have difficulty reachin the crease. Hinnigan gettin more and more aggresive and competative calls team mates fat bastards and useless ( good for morale) and then misses a catch (he never drops catches- claims sun was in his eyes; he was countin his money; the meter was not switched on so he doesnt move and several other excuses) rest of team piss themselves laughin at him.

Right guys time for the big push Dom opens with Archie, disaster Dom hits wicket with out scorin and actually walks but Hinnigan and Macarthur hit unbeaten 30s each Turner nicks a few singles Dodds comes in a and crashes his first ball for 4, Opposition captain calls field in close, one fielder refuses callin batsman a slogger altercation occurs unwisely to bein a bowler finaly bowl bowled crashed to boundary again for 4. Dodds has 8 runs of 2 balls wants to play on to get fastest 50 but game ruled over to his great relief. We have won tournament, Hinnigan voted player of the tournament by opposition captain, We reckon Hinnigan bought him a tin of white paint for his stick and steak for his dog. waitin for commitee to expell us from the club, Edmonton play but do not win on principle ( sorry Dick)

Retire to bar for sausage and mash with beans (are you readin this sue) Get trophies, have some beers promised to return and mullah them again next year. Thanks to Shep for scorin (even though he cant count), Ciaran for umpirin and Dan for snorin. The team to go down in the annuls of Edmonton cc history: C.Turner (capt) age 73 D.Harte (claims to be 47 but moves like a 15 year old) J.Kenway age 102 J.Hinnigan age 58 (but looks younger with liberal applications of hair dye) A.Macarthur age 47 R.Dodds age a secret (but moves like a gazelle in the field) P.S If J.Hinnigan bores you about bein player of tournament he only faced the pie chuckers and a got more sausages than the rest of us cos he kissed the lady? servin them up ( watchout Sue Lucas)

Saturday 6th July 2002

1st XI vs. Osterley

Report by: Martin Loveday

Away at Osterley was the fixture. What a f#cking shit hole. 1st eleven cricket my arse. After driving past the shack with the HAND CAR WASH sign we realised that we missed our turn (again, yeah well done to Willett who managed to take the wrong turn off down the A40 missing the big sign for the HEATHROW turn off. Then he proceeded to get instructions from Mickey only to have Dave almost emergency break in the middle of a dual carriageway and shimey across 2 lanes of traffic to get to our turn off). The sight of the ground made us all feel sick as we had to wade through 100 yards of thick mud. In front off us stood a barn which apparently was our changing rooms. On the doors was a sign with the following message, and no it was not the normal "Please take all your valuables out with you as we do not wish to take responsibility for them", but it actually said " Please do not take intravenous drugs on these premises". As we reluctantly walked into the changing room Matty found himself accidently kicking the lock which for some reason was on the floor and not attached to the door in any way. On to the cricket.... NO I THINK NOT!!!!!!!!! some of the boys needed the toilet after the 1.45 minute journey But to our horror we found the most disgusting excuse for toilets ever. Some person had Crapped all in the Urinal and the lavatrys themselves were broken and covered in shit and muck, The f~cking smell was sickening.

Tony walked into the barn and told us the pitch was shit and we shouldnt be playing but the umpires said it was perfectly good for cricket. They put us into bat and everyone changed and took there stuff outside. Es and Venki opened but to be honest i dont remember too much about it. They had one good player, but wickets kept falling as one minute the ball would just pop up the next it would stay low it wasnt coming on to the bat but still good batsmen were getting hit. Wickets tumbled but a resistance from ES and Willet got some runs on the board. After Wills was out again the wickets came quickly and after Es was dismissed for a 46 which was worth about 100 on that wicket it was all but over as Rico managed to push the score to the 100 mark before we were all out.

Tea time and bugger me things get worse still if you can believe it. In the bar was a heroine addict coming down of a dose. In the tea hall (disco room) a big man was grunting as he did some stretches in front of us. Tea itself was ok as there were cakes aplenty, Es was a happy man. We heard a burst of laughing from Barrett as everyone started to look outside at the wicket. I thought it might have something to do with the archery going on at the top end of the pitch....... How wrong could i be ?????????? Bugger me and call me SUSAN but when i peered outside the boys were actually laughing at the groundsman who was driving his fiesta at about 50 mph with a roller attached to it over the wicket.

We took the field and were quite upeat considering, Matty opened up from one end and N.Roche from the other. Matty was unlucky not to have their star player out first ball as he gloved down the leg side but to safety. Roche and Matt were bowling fairly well and wickets started to fall as Matty took 2 and Roche got 2, in a 3 over spell. Matty got another leaving them on a score of about 50 for 5. Inzaman then came into bat and tried to play some big shots and im sure he would have got hundreds if he actually managed to hit the flippin ball, playing and missing at 90 of deliveries but a couple he did connect with and upped the score. Willet came on for Roche and Rico for Matty. Willet managed to bowl INZY. they were now 86 for 6 and it was 3 runs later that Willet got another another making it 89 for 7. Then in a matter of 7 balls 3 boundaries were hit and the game was over as they reached 101 for 7.

In total i think there was something like 34 overs left in the day and 17 wickets fell for 201 runs. This included the team that was top of the league and a team that the week before managed 273 for 2. I question whether or not the umpires were right to play the game but seeing as we did i can safetly say i will never play Osterley away ever again and how a team can be allowed to play on a pitch like they had and the facilities, i can only conclude that everyone on the league commitee have gone mad and maybe its time for their yearly brain scan. The point needs to be made as apparently no official complaint can be made but i cant wait to play at Warren farm again and we all know what i think about that. Team: T.WILLETT, M.BILSON, S.ROCHE, E.PRINSLOO, R.LEWIS, VENKI, BARRETT, N.ROCHE, M.WORTON, D.HINNIGAN, M.LOVEDAY.